I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
