So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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