It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Randomize
