Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
