my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
