I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
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I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
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Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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