"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize