i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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