i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
