After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I need moral support for this bender
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Randomize
