listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
