happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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