don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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