laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
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