nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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