You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess