She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
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I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
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Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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