just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
