I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
