We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
