M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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