Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
