so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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