They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
