After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
