tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
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