On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
