He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
