My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
