I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
