i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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