I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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