My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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