i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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