the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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