I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
