I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
