He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just had sex on a roof
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
