she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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