theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
