it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
