lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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