I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
