He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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