i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
