Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
