first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
