just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
