It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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