my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
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