JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
