Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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