I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize